DEPOSITIONS

 

 

 

We have all seen those lists of stupid, but true (allegedly) extracts from deposition transcripts, generally showing attorneys being less than masters of the English language, and witnesses being less than MENSA members.

I am pretty sure most of these quotes are fake, though I would like to believe this one actually happened:

Q.  "So we have a clear transcript, your answer to all my questions must be verbal. 

What is your name?"

A.  "Verbal".

Admittedly, attorneys don't ask questions well, at all times.  I used this one once.  To the question:

Q.  "Have you ever been deposed before?", I interjected.

A.  "Yes, my client was once the king of a small country in Central Europe, but he finds it too painful to talk about."

Lawyers insist on asking perfectly routine questions inartfully:

Q.  "So you never complained to any doctor about back pain before this accident?"

A.  "No."

Q.  "So, you didn't never complain?"  

A.  "Huh?"

Q.  "Is that a yes?"

A.  "Verbal."

The deponents are often less than helpful.  Sometimes it is not their fault.  Proper preparation is very important.  When your client is asked about his criminal history, it shouldn't go like this:

Q.  "Have you ever been convicted of a felony?"

A.  "In this state?", or

A.  "Are you talking, with a gun?", or

A.  "Felony means over a year in jail, right?"

Now,  sometimes the stupid responses are the client's fault.  Some witnesses are preparation resistant, some are preparation proof.  The client gushes on and on during the prep meeting, after you have told him several times that he is only to answer the question asked and not to volunteer information.  The inevitable response is, "I know that.  I'm just telling you."  However, you know that the client will revert to his loquacious personality 10 minutes in.  Your very witty instruction, "If they ask you what time it is, don't tell them how to make a watch, even if you have been a watchmaker all your life.

It has happened over my long, misspent career, that a client will come so late for the pre-dep prep meeting that opposing counsel will already have arrived, and will be sitting in waiting room. When you inform counsel that the start of the dep will be delayed, counsel will ask:  "Why?  You just have to tell them to tell the truth?"  To which I respond, "That is correct, but it takes a little longer for me to tell them what the truth is".

I try to be a good customer to the court reporter.  I order the transcript 95% of the time.  And here's a tip.  Never, never, never in the presence of a court reporter suggest that all the attorneys split the cost of a single transcript, and make copies for one another.

But even when you attempt to be careful, courteous, kind and solicitous of the reporter's livelihood, mistakes can be made.  Just last week, I stuck my foot in it, genius though I am.

I was at a deposition of my clients, scheduled by a co-defendant.  A complicated coverage situation, so there were more than a half dozen attorneys present, from both the underlying tort case and the recently filed declaratory judgment action disputing coverage.  At the conclusion of the depositions, one of the dec action attorneys asked about the status of the tort case.  "Is this one of those Judge A cases--file in May, trial in June?", she asked.  I responded, "Yep the judge who has the judicial assistant who acts like he is the chief judge of the whole Circuit."

The court reporter (who I had never met before) asked if I was referring to a judicial attorney named Charley Ritz (name changed).  I said I was.  She responded that he was her father.

Red-faced (more than usual),I ended up ordering 3 copies of the transcript, 2 bound in Moroccan leather.

On the subject of reporters, many years ago, I represented a young lady who had tripped over parking meter.  Actually, the city was going to update the meters, and removed the old ones, leaving  a short stump near ground level until the new meters were installed.  My client encountered the stump, to her detriment, at 4am, while leaving her job as an ecdysiast at a nearby entertainment emporium.

All parties and attorneys were ready, the court reporter had not arrived, a highly unusual occurrence.

When my client asaked why we weren’t starting, I said that we were waiting for the reporter.  She replied:  “Oh, man, I didn’t know the newspapers were going to be here.”  I said that of course they were coming for a case as important as hers, and I only hoped the room was big enough to hold them all.  I don’t think that she was one of those strippers who is working on her Master’s thesis during the day.

As readers of the blog will soon learn, I talk too much, which is precisely what I tell my clients not to do at all times.  Of course,  no one can tell an attorney how to do anything.  We know it all, don't we?

"Verbal."