"The Beard Grows, But The Head Does Not Grow Wiser."
"Lawyers work hard and, like us, they're human, many of them."-Dick Cavett
“A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.” - H. L. Mencken
"I tell you, I'll consult my lawyer. And if he advises me to do it, I'll get a new lawyer."-Groucho Marx 
"We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can."
Fred Lauck is a fellow Catholic Central Alum, a trial lawyer, and a wonderful storyteller. He has always stood up for the little guy and for the Rule of Law. He has written 3 books, which are, all of them, wonderful reading. Here is an excerpt from the one I am reading now:
IMPORTING BRITISH ERUDITION
Six months before I represented Dewayne McKenzie in an Assault with Intent to Murder trial, I was in England with Irish John Conlon at a joint seminar for American Trial Lawyers and English Barristers. Talk about smooth, erudite use of language. I saw an English Barrister defend an accused rapist at the “Old Bailey” in London. The defense was “consensual” sex. When the erudite English barrister cross-examined the alleged rape victim, he suggested consensual sex in his well crafted question...
“Madam, let me suggest to you that you extended to my client, shall we say, the maximum in cordiality on a voluntary basis.” Wow, did I love that phrasing and that use of the language!!!… sexual intercourse, “the maximum in cordiality.” The English Barrister was on the mark with that “maximum cordiality” description.
I brought that erudite phrasing all the way across the Atlantic from London’s Old Bailey to Detroit Recorder’s Court, and used it to cross-examine the hooker who was on pimp Fred Baker’s arm at the time Baker was shot. Right up front, I attacked her credibility by showing that she was a prostitute. Using my best barrister-inspired phrasing to a “T,” I opened with the question…
“Madam, let me suggest to you that yours is, shall we say, the oldest profession known to mankind”??? Without pausing, her immediate response… “No, your's is, Mr Lauck. Lawyers have been screwing people a lot longer than hookers.”
Well, there you have it. I think she got her dates wrong, but I went down for the count... just the same. And, in my new found humility and humiliation, the first face I see is co-counsel Bob Mitchell, aka The Chief, stifling a laugh until he sees my face. Then The Chief couldn’t hold it in any longer, and all I hear is an uncontrollable echo of laughter in my sorry ass ear. Touché! Round one to the witness.
Somewhere in my embarrassment and in my uncertainty on how to follow-up with my next question, I heard the refrain from my Irish mother’s voice and the logic of her eighth grade education: “Don’t you ever forget where you came from.” That minor embarrassing setback did not alter the outcome of the trial. The Judge knew that Baker needed to be put down, and that my client, Dewayne McKenzie, was the man for the job… in legal parlance “reasonable doubt.” “Not Guilty” all the way around and substantial justice, Detroit style, accommodated the just desserts of everyone.
Excerpt From: Fred Lauck’s book, The Fightin’ Irish of Detroit: Fightin’ in the Streets… Fightin’ in the Courts (An American Story). Apple Books. Copyrighted.
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