"The Beard Grows, But The Head Does Not Grow Wiser."
"Lawyers work hard and, like us, they're human, many of them."-Dick Cavett
“A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.” - H. L. Mencken
"I tell you, I'll consult my lawyer. And if he advises me to do it, I'll get a new lawyer."-Groucho Marx 
"We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can."
George S. Kaufman should be familiar to most, though he died 60 years ago.
He was a playwright, theatrical director, producer, humorist and drama critic. He won 2 Pulitzer prizes: for the musical Of Thee I Sing and the comedy You Can't Take It With You. He wrote several musicals for the Marx Brother, The Cocoanuts, and Animal Crackers. (very important), and was a member of the Algonquin Round Table (also very important).
He was a great wit, while trying to locate one of my favorite Kaufman quotes, about getting something for nothing (a great quote for another time), I came across the gem, shown above, about lawyers. The best bit is the last:
"You heard about the man who go a bill from his lawyer which said, 'For crossing the street to speak to you and discovering it was not you, twelve dollars.'"
I don't know the date of this quote, but Kaufman was writing Broadway plays a hundred years ago, and maybe 12 bucks was a big deal back then.
Before researching the prevailing hourly rates for New York lawyers in 1921, I got to thinking. I was an insurance defense attorney for 6 years, and there were times when twelve dollars seemed a big deal to my carrier's billing review company.
As an example, let me take a situation like that described in Kaufman's quote, but substitute "opposing counsel" for client and assume that there was no mistaken identity, and that we actually met, on the streets of Downtown Detroit (remember when?) and discussed a current case.
Immediately upon my return to the office (possibly), I would have entered my time on our billing program. For simplicity's sake, I'll omit the tags and activity codes, and would bill .3 hours, 18 minutes, with the following description:
"Met with plaintiff's counsel in Detroit, and discussed the status of various outstanding discovery requests. Counsel indicated that the requested documents, and answers had been received in rough form from his client, and he had to review them and "polish them up". He would get them to me hopefully within 10 days. Also discussed scheduling the depositions of his people. One was a former employee over whom he had no control, but he would like to try to arrange the deposition informally, without needing a subpoena. He'd let me know, again in 10 days."
In the fullness of time that entry, along with others was submitted to the client through its bill review company. Let's make up a name for the company, totally at random. Let's call it "NadirEdge-EvilHex". I am sure we would have called it "Evil" for short.
Some time later, Evil would have sent me its verdict, after its handcrafted, artisanal algorithm had done its nanosecond scan of my bill.
I am informed that my 18 minute charge, has been reduced based on the application of guidelines contained in Evil's Billing Bible, Chapters 2,4,7,18, and 56,as well as the Evil Book of Revelation, aka, the Book of the attorney's Apocalypse, as follows:
- Entry indicates meeting in Detroit. Computer indicates billing unit's office in Farmington Hills. Carrier pays for travel at 1/2 attorney's billable rate.
- Written discovery consists of standard boilerplate documents, common among similar cases, and is billed at paralegal rates.
- .1 of billed time has been allocated to the scheduling of depositions. Scheduling of depositions is a clerical task and is non billable.
- Due dates for written discovery are subject to clear deadlines set forth in local court rules. The time billed for discussing such clearly determined matters appears excessive, and has been reduced.
Amount payable for this service: $15.00
Note: Beginning next billing cycle, billing entries approved in an amount of $20.00 or less will be considered trivial, non-billable events and will therefore not be paid.
As I say at the end of the Lord's prayer, "Deliver us from Evil".
And, as I am now removed from dealing with the legal billing review companies, I can also add: "Amen"
By the way, the internet tells me that Kaufman's $12 bill in 1921 would be the equivalent of $180.48 today, the value of my $15 in 2021 would have to be reduced by the time spent in the futile endeavor to bill my time and have it submitted to the carrier.
I think Kaufman may said it best in his script for the Marx Brothers movie A Night at the Opera. When dealing with billing companies, "There ain't no Sanity Clause". (Note: Google the Contract scene, A Night at the Opera. You will not be disappointed.)
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